I experienced the loss of a pet recently, and since childhood, I do not talk about issues that are painful or unresolved. Yet, the human desire to share with another person was stronger than my coping mechanism and I text messaged a friend of mine. A simple one line message that just stated what happened and my desire to not speak about it.
This friend has been in my life since I was 7. We have shared the most horrendous, excruciatingly painful moments as well as high on life joyous occasions, with no hesitations or barriers. I know she is averse to animals, but out of love for me tolerates them whenever she encounters them, even if I am not there. I still expected her to fumble with words in the reply to my text, not knowing what to say to an obsessive animal lover. Her reply flooded me with what I can only describe as pure undiluted love for her. It was honest about her inability to appreciate pets, but at the same time, her empathy for my situation combined with her love for me, and for any life form reached out to me in my moment of weakness. And nothing usually does at such moments.
The only motives that I assess in this situation were possibly my desire to have human contact in a moment of need and hers were to be there for me. And both motives seem to fit in perfectly with each other, with fluid communication that is a result of 18 years of a relationship.
For many people music is just a background score to their lives. For me: music is a sublime experience that I feel can even raise humanity from the filth and squalor that it is mired in so deeply. People usually enjoy music as an accompaniment: while they drive, while they dance, or eat. Everyone perceives it in a different manner. I perceive it as a life sustaining component. I was at a concert recently. One of Pakistan’s legends was performing. And just listening to that performance, watching it through the eye of the camera was a moment of hard hitting euphoria. It was like riding a wave of high quality intoxicants, though the irony was that such music is an intoxicant enough! That euphoria lies in the moment when there are goose bumps on my arms and those who are present around me melt away in the background and all I can see, hear, feel is the music.
The motivation to listen to music or to be surrounded by it varies according to the given state. At the moment that I have described, the motivation was simple: to be at the concert for an experience I was sure would be nothing short of euphoric.
I got upset at a friend of mine a couple of months ago. She was shifting out of the country and circumstances led to such a point where I felt she was being difficult on purpose. It really angered me: her obstinacy and what I perceived as selfishness. I felt aggravated and on the disadvantaged end of a relationship thread. The negative emotion was overwhelming for a while: self centeredness. I wanted to react, instead of calmly analysing the situation; instead of rationalizing I wanted to act out.
In such a situation, the acting out is motivated by balancing the anger seesaw: lash out so that the other person is also upset. The motivation is inflating the damaged self esteem; damaged by what you perceive as the other persons rejection of your self. If you can manage to get a reaction from the other person, a reaction that signifies your importance to that person, the motivation is fulfilled.
Since almost a year now, every week is coloured by rivulets of blood. Karachi, Lahore, NWFP, Wanna, Bajur, Gaza, Congo there seems to be an unnecessary slaughter on a daily basis. Each time I hear the news listing the number of dead, sandwiched between the daily sputtering by the PM and the President, it sounds hollow till it hits home. And the most negative emotion out of the entire range of emotions that I feel is of helplessness. The rest can all be attributed to a basic positive emotion but helplessness cannot. It is this sense of drowning, where the heat leaves the body, limbs feel weak and jelly like.
It’s easier to feel this negative emotion and temporarily let it sweep you off your feet. It seems to be motivated by this primal urge to run. Nomadic societies used to turn their backs to many problems and find new pasture and land. Its only when the options are narrowed down, eliminated that flight is overpowered by fight. That minute or two of helplessness seems to be motivated by the survival instinct: to run and protect oneself.
All these incidents cannot be tied up in a neat package with a bow on top. They are all dissections of even more minute parts of my person. They do teach me a lot, but only in context with other incidents and emotions. The emotion of helplessness teaches me that I can stand through a lot, but when my body or mind tires, I am motivated to run. So that weakness comes after strength and before strength. That same strength comes to me when I want to share the loss of a pet with a friend whom I presume will not understand. That strength makes me open up to her and at the same time, it stops me from other negative emotions like self centeredness which pushed through when I was upset with my friend who was leaving. All emotions are interlinked and there is not hard line where one emotion ends and the other begins. And it is important that I allow myself to experience all these emotions, before letting over struggle with the other and overtaking.
Submitted December 2008 to Ms Ayesha Haider
